I don’t really know

two years ago, my mum passed away, and I honestly think i’ve just been running from it and telling myself that i’m ok, even right now i’m thinking that, but there are just cracks where it’s obvious i’m not, but when I decide to do things about it, like getting some help, I snap out of it and stop myself from doing so, only a few of my friends know, only because it became too much for me to hold in and I just burst, I just try and keep the old personality I had before what happened and I try and control my emotions by suppressing all the bad ones but every now and again they just errupt and in those moments it’s the worst, it’s just sadness,anger,jealousy, guilt all rolled into one and it’s so overwhelming but I can’t talk to anyone, not my Dad because he has other things to worry about, not my friends, because they will just feel bad or just pity me, It feels like there is two halves of me at war, the side that wants to face what happened and what’s happening with me, and the other who wants to keep running and keep the status quo, and it’s not just a concious decision I can make, I don’t know how. I just bury my head in the sand and surround myself with my work, college or comic stuff, I just feel trapped and I don’t know what to do, the more I analyse what i’m feeling the more things pop up that are problems; the guilt I feel for how I was when my mum was alive, the fact I can’t live in the moment at all, the fact I feel like I think I need someone else in my life otherwise I am incomplete, the fact that when I do visit my mum’s grave I feel no different, the fact I feel a stranger in my own home and the list goes on. I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what to do anymore

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Carrying all those burdens no wonder you are tired.  

The library is full of books on how to grieve.  There are stages we go through and sometimes we get stuck right at the begining.  Try leanring about grieving.  It is something we all must go through yet no one shows us how.  There are also Berevement groups.  Just go and listen (you don’t have to share unles you want to) you will learn so much and see how you are not the only one.

i sometimes visit my Dad’s grave and then wonder why I’m there.  I think I am supposed to get comfort from being near him but I don’t.  Sometimes I think I should be needing comfort and then I realize I don’t need any comfort.  It’s ok, I’m ok.  

Talk with your Dad.  He is grieving too and may not know how to process it either.  He thinks your busy and doing fine…

Maybe you know someone who has lost someone.  You don’t have to get into it as they say.  Just ask if they can share some of the tools they are using to cope.

Sometimes we hold our grief because it seems to keep our loved one near.  It is ok to let the grief go.  You can keep them near with memories, stories, photos etc.   And it is also ok to just let the person go…

Learn to accept what has happened and learn to let all the heavy feeling go.  It is alright to feel ok about it all.  It is alright to get on with your living.

It really is ok.  Don’t hold it in.  Let it all seep out, its ok.  Be alone and cry, scream, pound the pillows (so you don’t hurt yourself or anything else!)

Guilt is only good if we learn from it, otherwise whatever you are feeling guilty about is really not your fault or problem, let it go.

Talk to your Mum.  It can be very cathartic, you may feel siily at first but saying things out loud to her might just make you feel better…

Take a deep breath, often.  Excerise to release some of the stress.  You can lay it all down, one at a time or all at once.  Give your self a break/rest from it all.  

you say you don’t knoww hat to do anymore.  You don’t have to do anything really, its ok to move on and live your life.  Namaste