I tried to make it short.So… My best friend for over 10 years dumped me. Or something like that. Is there a term for this? Anyway…
I moved and had to work to pay my studies and also do things at home so my free time was awfully limited. I used it mostly to contact her, ask her how she was doing. I did at least I inevitably passed out due to tiredness. She had lots of enviable free time.
After a while she told me she had met this girl who was now her friend. Made me happy. Normally you would think I was jealous, but I found no sense into being so.
I was bothered when she started to ignore me after some time and when we did speak she only talked about her new friend.
When I totally panicked was when she started to act annoying and telling me I would be so much better if I wasn’t her friend.
In other words: “stop being my friend”.
It got me mad. Not just was she changing me or just ending such a long friendship, she wanted ME to do it. So I would somehow be the bad one.
Nevertheless, I tried for months to work it out, to see if I could change her mind, probably I became annoying, but I believed that it was something worth being annoying.
She let me knew how awesome it is to be accepted, specially when I thought such a thing was impossible. She every wierd thing there is to know about me and that I totally thought would have her running away from me. But she didn’t. She said I was fine the was I was.
At the end I did ended it, because she came with an idea (a really bad one) to help the friendship (it was going to do the opposite) and that if I didn’t support it she would feel this relationship was never important to me.
After months of trying to get her out of ignoring me and “you should stop being friend with someone like me” pitiful act, she comes to me with this… Bullshit.
Its been over a year now. Long, freaking long enough for me to be over with this.
Then there is the beauty of wonder. Wondering if you are being missed. Then thinking “she changed you what the heck is she even going to miss you”.
And then there is the fact nobody else actually likes me. Cause I am “odd”. Seriously what the fuck is “odd”? Can’t people give me a better explanation than that!? They don’t really even know how Wierd I am.
So I am lonely, thinking about all the time I was with her and finally realizing that all that time I thought I was necessary in her life, that I was cared and accepted, I was actually being a fool.
She was only my friend when she had no one else. I was like the back up. Scratch that. I was the goddamn backup.
And I got crushed. Awfully. Like, how can I be expected to get up after that?!
I have no motivation. Nobody cares whats going on with me. And is no exaggeration! I had to pay a Psychologist so I could talk to someone because no one cares to listen. And my mother’s idea to give me motivation is telling she will beat me up if I she looks at me not being productive.
I can’t even be depressed.
I can just suck it up all day, pretending I am happy, while I am treated like crap.
My birthday is comming soon. This saturday actually. I was never one to ask for something, but I would be glad just to have someone hug me and say is ok not to feel ok. And that everything is going to be alright.
Just the hug would be amazing.
But it’s been over a year and nothing has improved yet. Nothing looks like is even close to improving.
It doesn’t help I know this is such a cliche and stupid problem.
Though, being honest I am tired of. Keeping my mouth shut, keeping a mask in and curl up in my bed every night and quietly cry until I fall asleep, relieved I can let it all out.