I suck as a friend (long post)

Background: I just completed my first year of college. One of my best friends, that I’ve known since freshman year of high school, goes to college with me; we’re still very close and I consider her to be one of my closest friends. She got a job at our university for the summer and currently is 3 hours away from our hometown, which is where I’ve been this summer. I consider myself to have a fairly large group of friends (about 6 really close friends that are all close with each other); I made these friends two years prior to the start of my social anxiety.
I’ve been stuck in a depressive rut for about two months and it’s recently gotten really bad to the point that I’ve started to shut my friends out. During this rut, I’ve started to discover which events trigger my depression; one of these events is directly related to my social anxiety (SA). SA has made it nearly impossible for me to make friends in college; meeting new people gives me anxiety which makes it hard to carry a conversation and nobody that I’ve conversed with seems interested in getting to know me further. This inability to adequately interact with people, along with me feeling like I’m getting nowhere in life (SA has made me too nervous to participate in activities that help me learn more about my major or expand my life experiences, I have a very average GPA that I’m not happy about, I have no college friends besides the friend I went to high school with, and I’ve never been in any kind of romantic relationship even though I really want to (once again, no one is interested enough in me)) has made my insecurity issues worse and contributes significantly to my depressive states.
So, here’s the main issue: my best friend (the one working at the university) is coming to visit for the weekend and wants to have a sleepover with me and another one of my close friends. She is in a new relationship (3 months) with an amazing guy and I’m super happy for her; but all she does anymore is talk about him and it seriously further triggers my depression. No I’m not jealous of her relationship, but hearing how she’s thriving in her life makes me feel even more inadequate about myself; in sum, my best friend has become one of my triggers and she’s done absolutely nothing wrong. I know this sounds so selfish and I must be a terrible friend to her because of this. I know that when I hang out with her, all she’s gonna do is talk about her relationship and I honestly don’t wanna go to this sleepover bc I’m gonna be so emotionally drained the entire time. However, it’s kind of shitty of me to not see her solely bc I’m feeling sorry for myself. Idk, the situation is stressing me out and idk if I should pass on this event for my mental wellbeing or if I should suck it up and just be a good friend. And if I pass, I don’t know how to explain the reasoning to her; telling your friend that they trigger your depression isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Advice would be highly appreciated, sorry for the rambling.

Note: none of my friends are aware of my depression or SA

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4 Comments on "I suck as a friend (long post)"

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matt

No problem, we took care of them! 

We’ll be posting this on our social media pages to get you some advice

 

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Littleyellowkin

Ok. I am not sure whether or not this is a late reply for you problem, but if it helps I’ll let it here.

I want you to be sure that you are not a bad friend. Depression is a shitty asshole that takes its job seriously to the point it doesn’t like taking breaks. You can’t control it. And I cannot tell you that everything will get better in time and practice because I don’t know that.

However, let me assure you again: you do not suck as a friend for having this little demon bothering you when your friends talks about herboyfriend. 

So, as an advice I’ll tell you this.

Do not be afraid to tell your friend that she talks way too much about her boyfriend. In my perspective (only reading what you wrote, of course) she is bragging about it way too much for your (or anyone’s actually) liking. So, tell her that is ok that she is super in live, but that you feel she is talking WAY too much about him. Tell her that you are happy for her and you are to listen as her friend, but she needs to cut it out.

PleSe take in account I am using the kind of words I would use with afriend. You can say something like this, explain her, using your own words without having to mention your depression (if you do not feel like talking about it).

She is also your friend. And as a friend she has to be there for you, too. And is totally ok for you to tell her if something she is doing is bothering you. That doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you a human being.

Note: sorry this came out longer (and a bit bossy) than what I first intended.




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ann

Maybe i missed it and your friend has already come home and gone back to the university.  If so what did you decide, what did you do, how did it go?

Littleyellowkin is right you are not a bad friend.  You are a friend in need of your friend.  I hope you were able to tell her about your depression and your SA.  I hope she responded as a good friend should.

But regardless of this friend and this particular event you need to address your depression/SA. (I bet when you sort out your depression the SA will disappear.  Let’s refer to it in small letters! sa)  It is fantastic that you recognize that you have some figuring out to do. Seriously.  Now you can go forward by reading some books on the subject, seeking support groups and some trained assistance.

You have already determined triggers (and you know the terms!) for the sa.  That is the kind of self observation and being honest with yourself you will need to do so sort out the depression.  You may have to accept certain truths even if it hurts BUT it doesn’t hurt any more than the pain you are already struggling with AND this pain will at least put you on a path to healing!

I can tell you from experience that sharing your struggles with others will help lift the weight off.

You are obviously an intellegent person.  You have made friends, you will make more friends in life and they probably will be other people than you have now.  Life changes that way…but sort this out now so that it doesn’t shadow any more of your life.  Meantime make yourself go to some of those activities re: your major.  You can comfort yourself by taking the shy route but keep yourself ingaged with others.  And don’t worry about romance!  You will meet him when you both are ready.  Keep your efforts on making yourself into the woman you want to be for the rest of your life!

You have what it takes.

 




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