“Atypical” Anorexia Nervosa

After my suicide attempt, the psychiatric nurse triaging me said I was “too heavy to be anorexic.” Almost a decade later it still haunts me. At my lowest I was only down to 109 lb at 5’5”, which is barely underweight. Like most people with eating disorders, the numbers are a huge deal to me. Now I’m restricting again, and have lost around 65 lb, but I’m still in the “healthy” weight range. I want to get to a “significantly low weight” so that it can be “officially” anorexia nervosa, and not this atypical AN bullshit. I feel like I’ll never be able to leave it alone until that happens.

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Littleyellowkin

Ok… I want you to make yourself this question.

When you have finally accomplished your task to get into a significantly low weight range to prove others you have anorexia, what do you win?

You will be unhealthy. And probably miserable. And the only thing changing would be the doctor’s (or whoever is attending you) opinion on your case.

You do not need to prove others of your problem. If you, yourself, know you have anorexia then you can look ways to overcome it. Look for friends or someone close to you that may belo somehow.

But do not force yourself into something so dangerous just to prove a point. Because that is how you make it sound. And you and your health are way more important that whatever people thing is a the correct weight range to declare someone Anorexic.




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ann

What is “it” you can’t leave alone until you are “officially” anorexia nervosa?  Can you define “it”, explain “it”?  What might you be lacking in your life that you are using food (and lack of) to try to convey to yourself and to others?  Are you  trying to punish yourself for some reason?

Learnng to love ourselves, to care about ourselves regardless of others’ opinions is a life long process.   You obviously have drive. Maybe you could use it to reach self affirming goals at the same time.  i.e.” I will not only loose weight I will do it by  learning to kick box”  or “I will loose weight but I will also tone my body too ” or ” I will loose weight but will keep up my nutrition with vitamins and calcium”…

Ten years is a long time to hold a grudge. You could learn to harness that tinacity and use it to move yourself forward instead.

 There is nothing fun about not eating.  You have challenged yourself by restricting.  Latch onto to a goal that is more fun, more life affirming.   You could challenge your self with something simple like “I will collect 100 pounds of food for the hungry” (yes I see the implications of that goal) or “I will find a support group” or ” I will do at least one thing a day that makes me feel good (and is healthy for me)”…

You have many strong characteristics.  You can show yourself it is more than ok to use them for a healthier and happier life.

Thinking of you,

 




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