The Man

The man in the corner of my room wears a pressed shirt and pants, a simple expression, black hair pushed back behind his face, sharp eyes, and a briefcase that is heavy but empty. The man in the corner of my room follows me around everywhere I go, checking his watch and reminding me that there isn’t much time left. I need to go. There isn’t much time left for me. I need to hurry. He’s a writer, or he claims to be. He says that he lived in Norway, Switzerland, and Belgium to experience the writing there. He told me what it was like. He told me not to bother going there, or anywhere for that matter. But that’s not all he talks about.
He talks to me about people. He says that the boys who pick on me at school don’t do it because they “think I’m attractive”, but because no one else will. That I deserve it. That I deserve everything bad in this world because I am nothing. He says that my “friends” never speak to me and never invite me anywhere because they hate me and only feel sorry for me. He says that the person who told me I did a good job when I finished the cross country race last only said it because he feels sorry for me. That I only made the team because the coach feels sorry for me. That the boy who smiles and greets me every day feels sorry for me. That they all feel sorry for me and that the few who treat me like shit do it because no one else has the guts to give me what I deserve.
He says that I have to do things to become successful. That I should save up retirement money already. That I should find a spouse, hopefully rich, to give me a luxury life. That I should have 25 backup plans for my life because I know that I’ll mess all of them up. That I should plan everything accordingly. Or that I could just die and not have to worry about it or everything being completely meaningless.
It’s like having a stretch of twenty miles of claiming hot coals to your left, and a volcano to your right. You have the choice to run twenty miles sprint without water on the coals or you can just end it all. I’m running on the coals and my whole body burns from lying down in exhaustion. I don’t ask for help to get across because I don’t want to be a pussy and no one takes the weak seriously. I can’t reveal who I am. Everyone will know that I’m a weak pussy with no friends that everyone feels sorry for. That I really, really want to just jump into that volcano right now. Or better yet, just get shoved into it so that I’m not accounted for for my own death.
He laid out the choice. I made it. He always says that I can change my mind. I think about changing my mind all the time.

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4 Comments on "The Man"

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matt

Hey Silence,

Just want to let you know we will be posting this on our social media pages so that you can get a response asap. Obviously, no none will know who you are, but until then, we wanted to leave you with this number in case you need it. Our “About” page at the bottom right of the screen also has a host of hotlines should you need to talk to someone sooner.

Suicide hotline: 800-784-2433

Best,

-___-




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Alpinetsp6

First two thoughts right away, wow this person is a fighter and wow this person is a writer… I love you, I love how brave you are to tell your story. The man in the corner is a coward the man in the corner doesn’t understand. im not gonna tell you that life is all fun and games. But I want to remind you of the little things. Having a outlet like this where 100s of people caRe. your testimoney tho not completely known it’s si beautiful you have so many people fighting with you. 




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Alpinetsp6

So we fight these battles in our minds right? And sometimes we want to make them physical, but with ourselves and it’s like weird.. because then on top of the world hurting like “The Man in the corner” or bullies at school. So here’s something that helped me at least not hurt myself. I wake up in the morning and I tell myself 

“I’m strong”

“I’m beautiful”

“I’m successful”

“I’m a gift from God”

 

and at first it feels like youre lying to yourself but let me assure you, you are all of those things.. take a step back breathe, look at the volcano and realize it’s just a mountain you are getting over not falling into. 

 

Friend, 

i love you 

and more often then I care to admit I tried to kill myself but now I see that yes there’s battles but there are so many things worth living for. For me I thank God for my battles because if anything i know I can at least understand and respect the pain of others and gladly try to help carry the burden. 

 

Head up even tho it doesnt always seem i life does get better 




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ann

Oh Alpinesp6 I soo agree!  You both know the expression “fake it till you make it”.  One of the marvels of our minds is that we can untrain/retrain our thought patterns.  So the man in the corner or the elephant in the room CAN go away.  Every time you hear yourself having a conversation with “that man” STOP your self and say something positive instead.  It might take a bit of time but you will see your thoughts begin to turn around.

I love Alpinesp6’s morning mantra!  What a great way to start the day.  Self affirmation is so necessary…

Repeat the affirmations at night and note some things you are thankful for.  Feelings of thankfulness, graditude also move us in to a positive life.

Thank you both for showing me another place where hope and love abide.




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