What Even

Any emotion that I express feels preplanned like I’m following a script. Every act and one liner that makes people laugh that escapes my sarcastic tone feels unreal. Sometime soon I feel like I’m watching myself from across the room act. When I talk about my future, I freak out a little inside because I feel as if everything is laid out and going according the script. Even this doesn’t feel… real. When a girl who’s cute flirts with me, it doesn’t even feel like she means it. I feel like I’m always being filmed in a movie and I want it to end. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this 4.0 GPA honors student who’s involved in her school and whos parents are proud of her and who has a good amount of friends and smiles and is sweet to most people. That isn’t me. None of that is really me. I’m not really happy or want to go to sports practice or want to talk or want to go to that party or am laughing because I’m happy or am excited for that concert. I’m tired of this. I’m so, so ducking tired. What even is my life.

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“What even is my life” is a very good question.  Some people never even face it and ask themselves the question.  

Society, and family are strong forces who in a way  can “plan our lives for us.” With their concepts of normal and their expections it can seem like our lives are planed ahead of time.

Maybe there are little ways you can start to “sneak” in pieces of yourself.  Or try small unexpected comments or actions. See how that feels or fits.

The 4.0 is an excellant way for you to have the maximum choices in your life going forward.  You might want to keep that up!  But if sports isn’t your thing  or you prefer something different (if you haven’t already) take with your parents, drop hints…

Maybe it is to choose different foods or books or shows or music.  Maybe next  time don’t make that one liner that makes someone laugh.  Maybe that doesn’t always have to be your responsibility.  (You may find that making others laugh actually has a positive effect for you!)

So maybe by trying little things at a time and then bigger things you can feel more in control of your life and begin to outline (and then color in) the answer to “What even is my life”

ps.  Wondering if you feel like you do because your know your sexuality but others do not…if that is the case then maybe you could find a group (along with folks here at -_-) to help you make a plan to begin living a life that expresses the real you.

Keep us posted ok