1st love

it can’t distinguish the feeling. actually I can, it sucks. it’s the feeling of excitement and sadness at the same time. there are times when I feel like I understand that you have responsibilities, and that is the reason why you’re struggling with finding time for me. But then I see that you’re hanging out with your friends; making time for them.
The first time you broke up with me was because I was too needy. then you told me it was because I didn’t wear any make up or dress up when we went out….which was barely. i was the one that always insinuated dates, but then you’d tell me that you probably work that day.
You told me you loved me. That you saw a future with me. But i don’t know what happened…
You made me feel like I got in your way of achieving your goals. That wasn’t my fault.
You, unintentionally, laid your mistakes on my shoulders.
I know you’re dealing with a lot of stress, but it just sucks that I can’t be a source of relief for you when you need it. Instead, you told me that I enhance that stress.
I wanna let go, but I don’t know…I can’t make myself do it because, for some weird reason, I love you so much.

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So gald you have called this  “first love”.  First loves are just that, first.  Which impleys there will be more and there will be!  In high school the girls would ask me why I kept changing who I had a crush on.  I said that since none of they liked me I had to keep going.  The out of nowhwere came my first love.  Head over heaels as they used to say.  When he broke up with me I was shocked even though I could see it coming.

He had said he loved me, obviously we had  different definitions!  What was hardest was for me to admit that I was loving the wrong guy. He was not what I thought he was.He wasn’t a bad person but love had made me blind.  So I had to allow myself to be mad at myself. I even had to admit (slowly huh) that I was very mad at him!  And just like with the crushes the only thing to do was move on and find someone to love who would in fact love me back.

What do you love about this person?  Are those atributes really there?  Have you exagerated them?  Odds are there are many people with the same ones…

You don’t have to let go cold turkey unless a clean break is the way you operate.  You may not interact with him any more but you can always keep a corner of your heart for him.  Get busy using the remaining part of your heart to give your love to the many other people out there who are needing it, waiting for you, and who will give it back in return.   

Remember the good times, forget the bad and move on.  Protect yourself, care for yourself go on and love another.  It may sound corny but you will look back someday and say why was I so intense about this guy?  And you will say “oh well”.