Recovery isn’t always a straight line

Throught my recovery there have been ups and down, but now has been a down. I have been struggling with the weight I’ve gained in recovery for a long time. Body dysmorphia has been worse then it has ever been lately. When I look in the mirror it’s terrifying. I see myself grow to a weight that terrifies me, but what scares me more is that I look out of control. The self control I used to have is gone and I miss my disorder. This doesn’t mean that I have given up on recovery, but it makes it harder. I feel like I should be over it by now. People look at me and they don’t think I “look like I had anorexia” and that’s good but also bad. It’s like my sickness wasn’t enough or didn’t happen. I don’t want others to know, but was I ever bad enough to diserve the help that I got. Sorry for this rant.

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Ranting can be very good, and this is a great place for it. You deserve all the help you can get because you are you. Period. You can let that worry go…

Why would “your sickness ” have to be serious enough for anyone? Why do you think you should be over it by now?

Maybe you could care less about what others think then you don’t have to have the negative emotions. You could just do what is good for you…be your own best friend…

“She’s a finicky eater”, I heard it over and over. It has made many an event very difficult, including business events, all the explaining….
See I used to think that the reason I always had stomach aches, cramps etc was from things I must have eaten.

I finally found a doctor who said i was depressed. Ha I said Im happy (obviously I had a lot to learn!) Then I found a psychologist who helped me to believe that it wasn’t the food it was the way i suppressed anger. Big anger and little anger… I was able to unravel all of that, in time and with people who were smarter than me!

I still don’t like all foods “like everybody else does” but no more stomach issues etc…You use the word “recovery” I prefer to think of it as learning and growing, moving forward , of helping yourself become the person you want to be.

Don’t be afraid to let others know. You will be surprised how good it feels to let others around know. You will learn about them too!
And, you will be able to relax a bit more…

“Rant” here again soon!