Throught my recovery there have been ups and down, but now has been a down. I have been struggling with the weight I’ve gained in recovery for a long time. Body dysmorphia has been worse then it has ever been lately. When I look in the mirror it’s terrifying. I see myself grow to a weight that terrifies me, but what scares me more is that I look out of control. The self control I used to have is gone and I miss my disorder. This doesn’t mean that I have given up on recovery, but it makes it harder. I feel like I should be over it by now. People look at me and they don’t think I “look like I had anorexia” and that’s good but also bad. It’s like my sickness wasn’t enough or didn’t happen. I don’t want others to know, but was I ever bad enough to diserve the help that I got. Sorry for this rant.