It’s really hard to speak up

When you’re the unassuming one. When you’re the one that’s always there for everyone else. I used to live for the quiet days where I could relax and be by myself. Now im scared I’ll hurt myself badly one day while my roommates are out. The only thing keeping me from offing myself is because I know the pain of sitting next to a hospital bed every day for three months. I know how it feels to find someone dead in their bed in the morning and to have to swallow that pain and deal with it then after months of kicking myself for being so numb it all comes flooding back out of nowhere. I feel like every ounce of love has been ripped from me in the past 4 years. I just want to not exist for a little while…

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You are quite precious you know. Your comfort and happiness matter
You help others, well now it is your turn to accept some help for yourself.
So glad you have spoken up here. Don’t stop sharing your pain. Tell us about your last 4 years.
We are listening

Talking here is a great start. It can be an ongoing piece of the plan you put into effect to heal yourself. A bereavement group. You don’t have to talk there but listening will help you alot.

Since you are finding it hard to speak up at this point you could read some of the many books on coping with our emotions, with loss. Read some of them and learn the tools they have to teach you.

Typing, listening and reading. Just 3 other ways to “speak up”.

ps no need to swallow the pain. If you are not ready to talk out loud with others yet talk about the pain with yourself to let it out

pss ummm not existing for a while sounds good however many times getting focused on something else can bring about the same rest, peace. And if you are with others as it all comes flooding back you can excuse yourself for a few minutes or cry right where you are, especially if they know about your loss