I don’t want to say I’m depressed to seem ungreatful but most of my life I’ve dreamt of killing myself and plan it. It that normal ???

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I wouldn’t say ‘normal’, hun. Its a common feeling. How common? I wouldn’t be able to give you a number, but at the same time even if I told you this number it would not help your case.
Hun. Killing yourself is not a dream. Its a necessity to stop ‘feeling’. Its trying to shut out the voices in your head that talk to you with negativity. Trying to shut out the voices that may surround you with equal words. Probably actions. Every case differs, but killing yourself is not the action you seek. You seek saving. Saving will come, hun. I hope it comes to you and I hope you keep giving life a chance. Cause its worth it, I guess. We only have one.
Give yourself a hug in my behalf.