Ahahah so yeah. Haha. When I was in uh.. 9th grade, I had this friend. At the beggining she didn’t talked to me at all and then BAM she is talking to me. We had so much fun and all. One day I was talking with this guy I used to know and she comes by and I introduced them and they started dating after a while and… Guess what? They started avoiding me. She would make this face of annoyance when I was around. When I asked her ‘why the sudden change in attitude’ she said that she only became my friend to see if the rumors were true.
Now, if anyone cared to read this, you might be wondering what rumor. It was going around that whoever befriended me got a bf o gf or bff. After that came to my knowledge I started to think about all my past friendships and have another guess! Everytime I had a friend, they would meet someone or talk to someone or WHATEVER and they would end up together. Whether they were both males or female or one of each. It didn’t matter they would befriend or date and I would be cast aside! Why am I remembering this rn? Well. After a while OF trying I decided to give up. I decided to go with it. A month or so ago, in hope of changing it, I joined this website, I think I mention it somewhere here before, and made friends! I thought its online! It might be different and I got 2 friends who just recently realized their feelings for each other. And… I was cast aside again. One of them doesn’t talk to me unless I talk first and the conversation is dull. The other one talks just when there is an issue between then and needs advice.
I have wondered if this is a gift, a curse or am JUST SO DAMN UNLUCKY. or maybe I am just annoying. Maybe the pairing is coincidence and I am just annoying. I deserve to be cast aside. I deserve THIS cause my attitute causes this. I am sure. I am… Am I really that unlikeable? Maybe I should… I can’t flow with this anymore. I can’t. It hurts. It just fucking HURTS. I just… Part of me is thinking JUST END IT and the other is maybe your purpose on earth is to join people together! Who cares if you are lonely? Your family saw you crying and didn’t even bothered for a second to ask why, so don’t care about it! Hahahah Why care about what no one else does? Haha… Sorry. Just… Thanks for the place to vent. Sorry its long and stupid as hell.

Leave a Reply

1 Comment on "Drowning"

Sort by:   newest | oldest

hi! Hey maybe being a matchmaker is one of your talents! Friendships and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are complex, hard…each one a bit different. And I hate to say it but the behavior of some people is mean. They have a lot to learn as well..but don’t give up.

Try changing your focus. Instead of searching for friendship (s) try developing your self, your life. That way you will meet all kinds of people, all ages, all backgrounds. Getting to know people will just naturally happen and some will grow into friendships…

So maybe you can work on developing your other interests. Or work on having more interests. Try all life has to offer. Draw, pottery, class, all the various clubs (clubs not bars!), exercise. Volunteer at the animal shelter, offer to help the elderly couple across the street, learn to play an instrument, …do you go to a religious organization? They are full of people trying to grow and you could grow with them…

It does hurt, I know…especially when family doesn’t seem to care. Family members have their own strengths and weaknesses too. Family relationships are most complex. So factor in the complexity, and varying strengths and abilities and well oddly enough it is people outside our family who can be in a better position to teach us soo much. But our lives are full of people outside our families so there are soo many people out there who can help us and that is awesome!

Care about what YOU care about. And care about YOU no matter who does or does not. LOVE yourself. KNOW you matter and are not replaceable. The world needs you. Telling our stories is never too long and it certainly is never stupid. Be the
LEADER of your life, not just a reactor to other people and circumstances. Make plans, set goals (big and small), get busy, go enjoy yourself!

And if you aren’t too busy keep us posted.