I’m not doing too well right now. Maybe that’s an understatement. I can’t help but feel like I want to die, or rather I just don’t want to be alive anymore. It’s over man, I don’t want to feel like this anymore, yet it’s such a comfortable place. I just want to fade away. All my problems, anxieties, sorrows, fears, everything will fade away with me. Like the flickering of a candle before it goes out, forever.
I’ll end up as just another statistic. I cant find the meaning in this world, I’m blind to it right now. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get better. I’m on three antidepressants and a mood stabilizer. I have bipolar type 2 and try to see my therapist bi-weekly. I’ve tried living an active lifestyle and even when I was working full time I couldn’t shed these thoughts. This has been going on for years.
I cant do it anymore.
I get audio-visual hallucinations, the metal of a gun up against the roof of my mouth. A sensation in the back of my head where the exit wound would be. I can see the Hudson River, I can feel the wind on my face. I can taste the relief, this permanent solution to a temporary problem… I don’t think this problem is temporary. I think it needs a final solution.