He’s great. He’s really great. Does everything in the world to help me, supports me, and wants to see me do better. And I can’t help but to feel like it’s a joke. Like he has a secret vendetta to get me or ruin my life or hurt me like I’ve never been hurt before. I push him away with fights and I’m always looking for something wrong and the fact that there isn’t should make me feel better but it just makes me think worse. I feel like it isn’t real. I love him more than words can explain and rationally he loves me too and I know this, he deals with everything and goes through hell and back just to be with me and I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking of when the days gonna come that he’s gonna hurt me or I’m gonna find out it was a joke. Becuse I mean who could love me. I’m going crazy and I want to be with him and he wants to be with me but it’s like my brain won’t let it happen and it ruins me which ruins him and it’s like I can’t let things be good. I’m hating myself more and more for it and it won’t stop. I feel completely out of control and it’s my life. I want to enjoy it and I want it to be great and I want to be happy and it’s like I just can’t let that happen and it’s killing me.