Just give up

I recently had a fight with someone I considered a friend(A). We had been on edge on several occasions cause they tend to listen to my words in “Defending friend(b)” tone. You see, (B) once encouraged someone in the group to: “go kill themselves”. I was totally mad about it as everyone else. I was first there to step between that conversation and tell (B) to stop and even ask them to apologize. (B) then was temporarily kicked from the place when I was not around. So, when I got in and got info that had happened, I went to ask the why. I asked cause I wanted to know if (B) had done something else or if it was because of what happened last time(which had been a while). However, I believe (A) listened to it as “Defending (B)” tone. Which I was not. In no moment I complained, or I asked for (B) to be completely kicked. Cause B deserved a punishment for what they did. It was not correct. (A), however, tended to bring this matter out more than once. Including sentences with “(Me) is the reason why (B) wasn’t banned”. (A) claimed it as if I begged them not to. As if I defended (B’s) behaviour which I didn’t. Yesterday night I tried to talk to (A) about an issue that happened in the place. Someone was being insensitive and making someone uncomfortable. (A) took the right course of action in stepping in, make the insensitive person know about their bad action, BUT instead of assuring the “distressed” person we can handle this stuff that can happen, cause we are all humans that can get in a bad mood sometimes, (A) instead brought in the “we have a person who encouraged suicide”. (B) was not even in the current conversation. (B) hasn’t even been in any conversations cause they know they behave bad around people and decide not to bring more trouble. And then (A) added the “this person is the reason (B) is still here”. (A) was like… It felt like they was trying to blame me for the current situation somehow. Or just let everyone know am just(in A’s own words) “too nice to everyone” or “You see good in everyone even when its not there”.
There was a heat wave yesterday that had me slow and weak. My brain wasn’t catching up very well. So I even asked a third party to tell me which tone was (A) actually using. just reading it in my own tone or something. The answer was “I’m sorry”, which meant (A) was actually doing it in a bad way and it wasn’t just me. I tried to explain (A). Have a conversation about how they shouldn’t bring topics unrelated that might make even more uncomfortable the already distressed person. (A) took it again as if I was defending (B). Which I was not. In no moment I said it in that way, but whenever the topic resurfaces, everyone of my words they listened them in “defending the asshole”. Which is NOT. Even the rest of the people seeing the conversation could see (A) was not listening. Everyone understood what I really meant and agreed except (A) cause he was heari g what he wanted to hear. I tried to have a conversation, but (A) wasn’t even trying to actually listen. The rest saw it and actually felt bad. I ended up leaving. Cause I couldn’t take it. Cause (A) was my friend and they should know better than to think I would defend someone telling others to kill themselves. I hadn’t cried so hard in a while. I woke up still feeling tears in my eyes cause (A) didn’t even cared that I left. Probably thinks I did cause I defending the other guy and since I couldn’t I was mad (cause (A) completely kicked (B) at the somewhat beggining of the conversation. I lost a friend for a misunderstanding they wouldn’t even let me clear. So yeah am… It hurts. Badly. I should really just give up on making friends. I always end up screwing it one way or another. I end up making people mad and in a bad mood even when I am doing my best not to. I just… I just wished (A) would have just talked to me about what was really wrong. Cause this mood around them with me was even there before this incident. Anyway. Thanks for the place to share and sorry for the long post. Just needed to… Get it out of my head.

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1 Comment on "Just give up"

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ann

Soo glad you have posted. When someone, especially if we like them, does not not or will not listen it does hurt. I am sorry you had to have this experience. Losing a friend that won’t see to reason leaves room for a friend who will though.

BUT don’t give up on making friends. Friends come and go and some times even come again. Sort of an ebb and flow…
(A) would not understand, would not talk. okay but YOU DID NOT screw anything up. PLEASE do NOT take this as somehow your fault. Some people are difficult. Sometimes all the time! Sometimes just in some areas. BUT you did not make them that way.

It sounds like (A) is the group leader and is trying to stay in that position. Maybe your reasonableness threatens (A). Some groups of people are more equal in it nature. Maybe you can find another group or you and some others can start doing more things with just yourselves.

You might be right. Maybe something completely unrelated to this issue is bothering (A). Maybe give it all a rest and it will show itself at some point.




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