I feel too much

There are times when I feel ok. But then it just goes back to me feeling empty and alone. I look for validation, I think. But I feel ignored, unnoticed, and inadequate. Why am I even here to be honest? I want to have faith and keep my mind on positive things but why can’t I do that? Why can’t I let go ffs?? I really just want to be ok. I want to not feel this emptiness. I want to not feel stuck and alone, but it seems like I just have to endure it. For how long though? How do I just deal with it when it bothers me so much? I feel like such a loser and I feel so behind everyone else in life. It makes it even worst that I have no friends. If I wasn’t so close to my sister I would have been killed myself. If I really think about it though. I don’t think I could do it. Even though she is with me, I still feel so alone. I feel like there isn’t anyone in the world who could understand me. I understand that a million other people may feel like this. So why do I feel like the only one? Why do I feel like I can’t talk to anyone? Why can’t I just go out and introduce myself and become friends with someone? I feel like a little kid talking like this and talking about this… The fact that I have no friends and haven’t for years and years. Basically, all I do is listen to music, watch youtube videos, or shows or movies in my room. I can’t get out of my shell. I would try to become friends with people I was in class with or whatever, but then after a while, I felt like I was the only trying. Like only I was interested in becoming friends with them, but not the other way around. Eventually, I just stopped trying because what’s the point in trying with someone who doesn’t even want to try when it comes to me? I can’t force people to be friends with me. Plus, I’m not even interesting. Nothing exciting happens. Nothing new and fun. “Then do something about it.” “Change your situation.” Some might say, but really it’s easier said than done. Maybe I just don’t want to save myself anymore. So, of course, I’ll just keep on living. Even though the thought of it exhausts me. The thought of it gives me such anxiety because sometimes I just feel like I will always be alone forever since that’s how it’s always been. It’s gotten to the point where I am about to give up. Not just because I’m alone, but because life is actually so damn hard and exhausting. I don’t even want to stay in school anymore. I don’t even want to try in my classes anymore. I’m so tired of everything. I feel like I have no time for anything. Like I’m suffocating. I feel… I feel too much I guess.

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Feeling too much is exhausting, I know. So is trying so hard… Talking about this stuff may make you feel like a kid but talking here, with professionals and even others helps. You would be surprised how many people feel just like you but they don’t want to talk about it either. I remember when I started to say “I think I suffer from depression” people said “Yeah? I think I do too”.

I hate it when someone says “well do something about it” too. They dont know the feeling of not being able to get out of your own way. BUT they are right in that YOU CAN make changes. Little ones that add up to real changes.

Books on the subject of depression are available for free at the library. MAKE yourself go find some and MAKE yourself read them.
Learning tools and practicing them will help you feel alot better.

You are not alone. Don’t believe it? There are support groups. Find one!! It might be your top priority….