Afraid to meet people

I’ve kept a small circle of friends ever since highschool, and only had serious relationships with the women I dated. As time moves forward most people find new friends/lovers and lose some old ones. Not me. The life I’ve lived has left me with trust/abandonment issues. When I lose friends I don’t have that urge to start over with someone new. My friends are irreplaceable to me. When my relationships fail it takes a bigger piece of my heart every time. I play/create music to channel my pain into something productive, and it helps. However, I feel music may be the only thing I have left in due time. I didn’t want to shut myself out from the world, but the people who’ve came and gone make me feel like I am the only one who can support me. I am the only person that can make me feel safe. I am the only thing that can take care of me, and if I find myself in a situation where I can no longer take care of myself. My first thought is that I will die. Not by suicide, but because people are unreliable and don’t give a fuck..

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You remind me of myself to some extent, when i lose friends i do not try and replace them etc etc. But i find that sometimes losing friends/people works in your favour the time you spend alone is so refreshing you get to know yourself in a way you’ve never known yourself. You are able to hear your own thoughts as loud and clear as can be.
You mentioned no longer being able to take care of yourself well, whether you want to believe it or not you can take care of yourself believe me you can you’ve got to dig a little deeper you’ll find it within yourself.
Who cares about unreliable humans anyway truth is every single person will let you down in the end, rely on your own self and you’ll be fine 😉