Word vomit

Stretch marks death marks my life in disarray
I’m a mess and you say “it’s all gonna be okay”
I’m lost I’m a mess
I miss the pain of the blade across my chest

I lost an old friend recently.. suicide.. in his note after many years he referred to me as one of his hero’s.. but in my eyes I let him down.. I needed to save myself or else I wouldn’t be here..
I’m torn with it.. how was I a hero?
How am I anything?
I just feel guilty. It makes me question everything.
I’m really a mess. I feel like with those that really matter in my life I’m turning into some form of bad guy. I point out little flaws. I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry. I want to be so much stronger than I am. I wanna be the “hero” he saw.
“You die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain” I feel torn in between..
I’m really lost in my head and things were finally getting better..

Leave a Reply

1 Comment on "Word vomit"

Sort by:   newest | oldest

Even when we are in a good place we tip when we loose a friend. Im sorry you lost your friend. Please accept the very special gift he has given you by calling you his hero. Whatever it is you have done it was special to him and that is all that matters.

There is a lot of information to be gotten on grieving. You don’t have to do it alone.

Your feeling guilty (and picking on others) is a common response to this sort of loss but you are NOT guilty. YOU HELPED. YOU CARED and care. That is hard to do and you did, and are doing it. You deserve a lot of credit. And you should give yourself some.

What do you do to replenish yourself? Think about that and make sure you do something every day, large or small. A cup of tea a walk, sit with music, deep breathing….

You took care of your friend. Take care of you now.

(Sharing your feelings here is good too)